Grocery shop. Fold Laundry. Pack lunch. Do the dishes. Drop the kids off the school. The list goes on. The never-ending to-do list of running a household and caring for kids takes a lot.
But what about those intangible things you can’t write out on a to-do list? What about all the behind-the-scenes anticipating, decision-making, and research that goes into all the planning?
Well, all those things that go unnoticed have a name: MENTAL LOAD.
What Exactly Is Mental Load?
Imagine you’re the captain of a ship, but instead of steering, you’re navigating through a raging sea of daily tasks, decisions, and plans. That’s your mental load – the constant anticipation, identification of needs, decision-making, and monitoring of, well, everything.
Put simply, mental load is the cognitive and emotional work required for managing a household and your life!
Research on Mental Load – It’s Not Just a Buzzword
Research identifies four categories of mental work associated with managing a household:
- Anticipating Needs
- Identifying Options for Filling Needs
- Making Decisions
- Monitoring Progress
It’s not just about doing the dishes or laundry; it’s about remembering whose turn it is for soccer practice drop-offs, who needs to go to the dentist and when, ensuring the pantry is stocked with everyone’s favorite snacks, and deciding the menu for the week (doesn’t every mom despise this task?!). It’s like having a mental spreadsheet that updates itself in real time.
Mothers were found to do more work in all four categories (not a big surprise). Although parents frequently collaborate on decision-making, mothers typically take on more anticipation, planning, and research responsibilities. Meaning, YOU are the unsung hero managing it all behind the scenes, and it tends to go unnoticed and unacknowledged!
Consequences of Carrying Mental Load
Over time, the mental load can take a toll on your physical and emotional wellbeing.
#1 – Heightened Stress
STRESS!! The internal, emotional battle mental load causes can leave you feeling stretched thin—and prolonged stress can have serious consequences. Heightened stress significantly increases your risk of depression, anxiety, insomnia, and BURNOUT.
#2 – Strained Relationships
Your partner might not understand why you’re on edge, your family might wonder why you seem distant, and your friends might notice the waning sparkle in your eyes. It’s not that you don’t care; it’s just that mental load is a heavyweight champ, and sometimes, it knocks the wind out of your sails.
#3 – Decreased Physical Health
Lack of sleep? Oh, it’s practically a badge of honor for moms managing the mental load. The mental chatter, the constant planning – it doesn’t exactly lend itself to a restful night. Your body is the vessel carrying this load, and the stress can increase health risks associated with various systems: heart, gut, reproductive system, and more.
If you feel like you never have enough time, like you’re not doing enough, or you’re highly fatigued, can’t sleep, and are irritable all the time, your mental load may be too heavy.
Strategies for Lightening the Load
Communication is key, my friend. Chat with your partner and family about divvying up responsibilities. It’s not about keeping score but creating a support system where everyone chips in. Maybe you’re the master chef, but someone else can manage the dishes.
Next up? Boundaries—the magical word that can do wonders for your life. Learn to say ‘no’ when needed, delegate tasks, and carve out time for yourself. Self-care is not a luxury; it’s a necessity. Whether it’s a solo walk, a bubble bath, or uninterrupted reading time, these moments recharge your batteries.
By intentionally communicating and setting clear boundaries, some of the hidden tasks that make the mental load so darn hard to manage start getting uncovered.
Building a True Partnership with Your Spouse
Creating a partnership is not about who does what but understanding that you’re a team. Teammates share victories and responsibilities alike.
The importance lies not just in saying “we’re a team” but in living it day by day, acknowledging that both partners bring unique strengths to the table. You must be able to openly express your needs, share concerns, and actively listen to one another. Easier said than done, I know, but it’s well worth the effort.
Once you can start communicating like a team, it becomes easier to divide responsibilities so you’re sharing the load. Set clear expectations, not as a rigid rulebook, but as a guide. Find a balance that suits both of you, leaning into your strengths and preferences. It’s all about mutual support. When one of you is feeling the weight of the mental load, the other steps, tag-teaming as you go.
If you’re unsure where to start, sit down with your partner and read through You Should’ve Asked, a short vignette by a French cartoonist named Emma. Doing this can provide a light-hearted way to discuss how you and your partner approach household management so you can uncover some of the hidden truths about the roles you play at home.
Bring the Silent Stressor into the Light
Acknowledging the presence of mental load shines a light on the shared experience many mothers navigate daily. From the silent weight of decision-making to the unnoticed toll on wellbeing and relationships, the mental load is a formidable force.
However, armed with practical strategies, open communication, and a true partnership with your spouse, it’s possible to transform the load into a lighter, more manageable companion. But if it gets to be a bit much, I’ve got your back.
We women deal with a LOT, and sometimes all we need is someone to help us heal, process, and move forward. Prioritize yourself and schedule an intro call today to see if we make a good fit.
Keywords: Mental load; Invisible load; Cognitive load; Emotional Work; Anticipating Needs
References:
https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0003122419859007: Mental Load: The Modern Mom’s Silent Stressor https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/: Mental Load: The Modern Mom’s Silent StressorHere’s to a partnership that lightens the load!
Hey, y’all! I’m Kelly…
I’m a Texas-based therapist (LPC) and offer virtual therapy for Texas residents. If you struggle with anxiety, everyday grief/loss, have a fierce inner critic, or are a do-it-all gal who struggles with balancing it ALL, I am here for You! Contact me now to schedule your free 15-minute intro call, or learn more about me here.
